KEEPING PERSPECTIVE

By Harrison Snow

Clients know when they have a problem. They call us when they don't what
that problem is or what to do about it.  Recently, I've noticed I am getting
more of those kind of calls. The conflicts and issues that have been under
the table for a long time are starting to surface. In fact, I am seeing this
now in so many different kinds of settings that the source of it all must be
more fundamental than the individual dynamic of each group. I don't think we
have to go back very far to find that source.

I believe that 9-11 shook up everything including our ability to keep a lid
on difficult issues. The lid is off. Not just for some people but for anyone
with some awareness and sensitivity. So now these issues have to come up to
get healed and resolved and like most healing crisis things have to get
worse (or seem to) before they get better.

Although it is nice for clients to know they are not the only ones dealing
with conflict and controversy it still feel like bad news. Conflict puts
most people outside of their comfort zone. Few enjoy dealing with conflict
and fewer can deal with it skillfully.  But, I tell my clients, there is
some good news here too.  Outside of their comfort zone is the place of
learning and opportunity.  If they can talk about it they can change, heal
or fix it. Of course, it is hard and difficult to talk about this stuff.
Most of us avoid doing so as long as we can, however we can. That is why
if there is a problem it never seems to get resolved. The really good news to
keep in mind is that everyone involved in this process has been offered an

opportunity for learning and growth.

When things seem confused, dark and cloudy it is helpful to have a compass
to help us find our way. Values are the compass. The questions we need to
think about are not the usual, who said-he said-she said-and why, stuff. I
think there are two key questions we have to start with before we ask any
others:

1) What values should guide us during this time?
2)How will we put these values into practice in dealing with this situation?


We do not have to make this harder than it is. The principal of the elementary
school my son attends says that he has two values that focus his actions.
Those values are to 1) build community and 2) teach students. When there is
little time to sort things out he asks himself will the decision he is making support
those two values. During 9/11, when parents started taking their children
out of school and decisions had to be made fast, having those values clear in
his mind was invaluable. This may sound like a proud parent but his school
is known to be one of the best in the county.

Groups I have worked with point to values like faith, compassion, personal
responsibility, respect, listening for understanding, and trust as ones that
help them realize the opportunities for learning and growth in a challenging
situation. Of course, articulating values is a lot easier actually than living them.
But again, like a compass that we check on as we walk through the woods,

referring back to our values helps keep us on course. Are our decisions and
actions in alignment with our core beliefs? The denser the woods the more often

we will need to glance at the compass.

Here is an exercise you might find helpful. Think back about a time you take
pride in, when you met and dealt with a challenge. Sum up the way you were in
a word or two that expresses a value. Before you go into the next meeting
that may be difficult write those words down as a reminder of what is truly
important. Use those words to help guide your thoughts, speech and actions.
When we align all three with what really matters to us we live our lives
with integrity.